Hello and welcome to Virtual Consolation Prize, the weekly column in which we examine the scraps of stale bread that Nintendo has tossed us this week on the Wii’s Virtual Console to distract us from the fact that Japan still has it ten times better (how’s Link to the Past, you jerks?)
This week’s games: Ice Hockey (NES), Dr. Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machine (GEN), Gunstar Heroes (GEN), Alien Crush (TG).
Quick analysis: I still wish I still lived in Japan! Only less so!
I took the plunge and bought Gunstar Heroes and Alien Crush. I skipped Ice Hockey — I was never too into it, even though it’s a much better NES release than just to pull out an example Soccer. Ditto Dr Robotnik; I’m not into Puyo Puyo or puzzle games in general (not to the tune of eight bucks, especially).
Of course, I really have to ask: why oh why do we have to suffer through these antiquated regional differences? Rebranding Puyo as a Sonic game made sense years ago, but the franchise is now known internationally under its true, original branding. Why don’t Virtual Console downloads include both versions of the game? There’s no technical reason why not, and it would add a lot of value. Let’s start thinking creatively here, huh?
So I did buy Gunstar Heroes, and if you like run-and-gun 2D games like Contra and Metal Slug, then Gosh darn it you should also buy it. It’s not one of those classic games where people hype it up all day and then it doesn’t live up to your expectations. It’s a wild, perfected, smooth, creative, funny, and really challenging shooter. And I mean it’s friggin’ hard. I’m stuck at the end of the second bit, where you fight Seven Force, so named because there’s seven boss monsters in a row. I’m starting to get the hang of the patterns but it’s a real bitch. Writing about it makes me want to go back and try again, though.
And then there’s Alien Crush. I like video pinball games more than makes sense. Don’t know why. This is an early TurboGrafx release, and it shows: the physics aren’t fantastic, and there’s only the one board as far as I can tell. But it’s just so creative. You’re inside an alien’s, uh — I’m not sure what it is, probably the vagina — and the H.R. Gigeresque quality of all the grotesque moving parts and living obstacles makes it one of the most visually interesting early 16-bit games. You might not spend too much time with it (just the one table, as I said) but at 600 points it’s at least cheaper than those ripoff Genesis games. Too bad about the blurry visuals on the Turbo games, though — can’t they fix this emulation?